dude i'm inner monologue high
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
