I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
