just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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