There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
