There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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