Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
