theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
