Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
