were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
