I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.