dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.