Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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