if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am available for nakedness
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
