I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
