How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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