Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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