my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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