Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
