I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
