I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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