this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
