Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
