Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
