Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
