i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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