Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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