she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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