Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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