I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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