So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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