so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
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i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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