there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
