Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
