you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
