Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
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I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
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Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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