i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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