I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
