Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
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Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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