ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
