rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
