I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
