if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
