the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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