i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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