I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
