he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
