How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
