I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
