nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
