if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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