Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
