What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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