I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
