1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
