Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
