Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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