I got chris browned last night
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
