My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
